What was it...? (warning: being completely honest here)

So, what was it about China that I had a hard time with? Well, in short...in my opinion, the whole country just seemed sad and depressed- the people, the buildings, the weather. It was too much for me. While I did meet some really great Chinese there, most seemed unfriendly, sad, and empty. I've never seen such a forlorn place. Everything was gray and dark. And a big hurdle for me was the government. I felt uncomfortable being watched and having to be so careful about what I say and do. It was hard to have emails censored and not be able to have the freedoms I am used to. I actually still have nightmares about the PSB as silly as it sounds. One of my teacher friends' husband was murdered by the government and it has haunted my dreams since I heard about it. So, yeah that's basically it. I know some people go to China and completely fall in love with it, but for me it was the opposite- I was in love with it before I went and found it to be quite different than I imagined.
I am very hesitant to admit these candid feelings because I feel like a failure for not absolutely loving China after being obsessed with it for so long. I always said I'd live there and so naturally, I feel pathetic that I couldn't "hack" it there for 3 months. And another reason I have not shared these feelings is because I don't want to make people feel bad or feel that their support for my trip last fall was a waste-- it was a great experience and it was important for me to go there and realize that my plans were not God's plans. I also hesitate to share these things because I do not want to scare others off from China because of my experience. Many people love it there, so just because I didn't- doesn't mean it's an evil scary place! :)
I am telling you all this because I want to be honest with those closest to me (probably the only people who still read this!) and I feel better having shared my true feelings with those that deserve to know. :) I know it's shocking, but yes it's true: Katie actually did not love China like she thought she would. Don't be too disappointed....I know God had some reason for it all.