This is your life...

When I left Taiwan over two years ago and returned to America, one of my goals was to see if living overseas and missions were what I am really called to do. Living in Taiwan was an overall wonderful experience, but there were definitely some really, really rough times. There were times I missed the US so much my heart literally ached. It made me confused because I had always thought living overseas was the life for me. So, I decided to take a "furlough" from Asia and live a normal American life for two years.

These past two years have been quite roller coaster, that's for sure (job aside, even). I've thought quite a bit about whether or not to go back overseas and why. After one year I was ready to return overseas, but I knew I needed more job experience and more money. I've been thinking more and more about that lately: the "why" and the "ready" part. How do I know I am ready to go back? Why am I going back?

Well, I've mulled over it and tried to make sense of it in my TCK head and heart for awhile and I think I can finally explain it to some degree.

Basically, I can't live in America. Not just because I'm fed up or even bored. It's more. I remember when I was back in Taiwan, my Canadian pastor and his wife were giving their testimony once and something they said has stuck with me since. They explained that they kept returning to Taiwan year after year because they "make sense" in Taiwan. As a couple, spiritually, emotionally. They explained that they don't make sense in Canada. Something just isn't right. It's not a good fit. As I've pondered this, I've come to realize that their explanation has stuck with me because it rings true for me and I can't explain it in any other way than to use the same phrase: "I don't make sense" here in America.

America is a paradox for me. It's so comfortable, yet at the same time it's not. I can live here, yet I can't. It's normal, yet it feels strange. The biggest impetus to leave America and why I don't make sense here is that America makes my soul feel dead. Yes, that sounds a bit dramatic, but it's true. America numbs my heart with all its distractions, commercialism, and comfortable living. I enjoy those very things greatly, but at the same time am repulsed and disgusted by them. I feel unfulfilled, empty, settled and bored here. This "Christian" country always wreaks havoc on my spiritual life. To be honest, the past two years have produced almost no spiritual growth and I am ashamed when I read back over journals from previous years. I makes sense spiritually overseas. I'm going to guess that the nudging in my heart to get out of here is God. He knows I can live here, but I will never be whole here. I will be distant, empty, bored, and will fill my life with the distractions of American culture instead of Him.

I recently read Donald Miller's latest book in which he explains our lives in relation to God as one epic story. God has written a masterpiece of a plot with characters, settings, and events that bring us to Him and ultimately bring Him glory. That got me thinking that maybe I was created for a different story than I can find in America. These people here aren't the right characters, this place isn't the right setting or plot for my story. That's why I don't make sense here. This American life here in Columbus is not the story I fit into nor was I meant to be in. I'm a character who is the in the wrong story! My setting is supposed to be Asia and I hope to soon find out what plot and who the other characters are in my story. Or perhaps, I will go to Thailand and test out that story to see if I fit in there? Perhaps that is not my story either? Perhaps this is a bunch of hogwash? :)

Regardless, as I've tried to analyze my self and my TCKness, I've come to the conclusion that even though I do enjoy America and what it has to offer, it will probably never really be the right place for me to live. I don't make sense here and so I will continue to wander the world in search of the right setting for the story I am meant to live.

So...yeah..

Well, I'm sure everyone has given up on this blog since it's been well, about 7 months since I last updated! Oops! I basically stopped updating because nothing that exciting ever seemed to happen and to put up all the funny stories or school quips would mean updating everyday, so...I just gave it up.

BUT...my lame, mediocre American dream is ending as I am going to hit the road again soon. In July I will be off to Thailand for 2 years of adventure. I will be teaching 4's Kindergarten at International Community School, a large Christian international school on the outskirts of Bangkok. The school seems like a great fit and I already love Thailand, so this seems like a dream come true. My heart is overseas and I am so anxious to get back there.

So, I will once again resume updating this blog as I get the chance once again to satisfy my "lust for wandering." :)